“I’m using air quotes…you can’t see them of course…” on Pod Cast 10

(22:23:07) nomadmatan: BRENT! DINOSAURS ARE EATING MY UNDERWEAR!!
(22:23:19) Brent Stone: o_O

On Gay Men

verakai: hi
nomadmatan: howdy
verakai: whats up
metrocowboy84: just relaxing
verakai: horned here
nomadmatan: ::nods::
verakai: yummy
verakai: you got a nice ass to eat
nomdmatan: not for you
verakai: ?
nomadmatan: what part of ‘not for you’ don’t you understand?
verakai: the racist one
metrocowboy4: that’s not racist
metrocowboy84: that’s me just not being a slut

Wow…that was amazing, I have to go update my LiveJournal

You know you’re just slightly rushed when you wake up
and go “the 14th…something’s supposed to be going
on, on the 14th…what could be special about the
14th…”

so HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!!

=D

~ me

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Desert Sands
Buffalo, New York

And as the darkness envelopes this industrial city and my clock reads 4:15 in the morning and the moon is in the sky and I sit above my school books hoping that these symbols and sounds from days of old/languages of two warring cultures who refuse to see how they’re so similar will one day fully make sense to me/open for me a new gateway of the mind:the soul/an understanding of humanity that surpasses all that I already know.

I hear another voice calling for me from the Valley of the Kings and echoing through the hills of Syria and brushing over the Sea of Salt saying “come to me…come to me…” and as I hear the voices of thousands of years of history I feel a pull to the East and I wonder how long it will take me to be able to finally grow wings of steel and to fly to a world that I’ve only been able to see in my dreams and in meditation…and I wonder if I’ll be ready to see all that I know I’m supposed to see when the time is ready because even if I don’t know if I’m quite there yet…I can tell by this feeling in my heart that it’s almost time…time to answer the call that I’ve been hearing all these years.

To hear the cry of the Imam from high towers and to stand on the desert sands where my people built the pyramids and to finally leave these borders of what I’m told is the greatest country in the world in the ancient search to find self/where I leave the communities that each reject me because of the other and finally see for myself the people of the world/to finally hear others speak in foreign tongues that will no longer be foreign to me.

And I remind myself as I stand frustrated here with two communities…one which I was born in and one which through the hand of God I was placed in/in this incredible dichotomy for in one community I find I shout as I beat my chest with a fist and I scream “ANI YOHODI!, ANI YOHODI!” and the other in which I have found the beauty of men who will have nothing to do with me because I don’t fit into the communities mental mode/the requirements that I’m told I have to have - forever a rolling stone looking for more than just the next fuck and refusing to lower my standards because I have seen what’s out there and I know the difference between lust and love.

This sound of silence so deafening and I remind myself that everything takes time and “life is what happens when you’re making other plans…” and my heart aches to finally talk to someone who might get it/me…because after twenty-one years I’m so sure of who I am and as I know myself more and more everyday I become aware of the boy I was and the man I’ve become/I’ve become more afraid of what this unknown future will bring because I live each day like it’s my last and I kiss as each time is my first and I begin to wonder if that’s why I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight…because maybe I won’t wake up and I’ll miss the glorious sunrise and the magic sunset that makes life worth living as dawn with her rose red finger tips paints another glorious sunrise…just for me…what a travesty if I weren’t able to complete my studies so I can tuck that key away in my back pocket so I can use it to unlock the doors that await for me when I complete this phase of my life/this section of the puzzle.

And I know I’ll find my place among the stars/can you number them? I’ve had six million souls shining down on me making sure that my feet don’t stray from this path, lit by heavens flame since the day I entered this stage of my life and I hear the voice saying once again “come East young man and let the adventure begin…come East and meet new peoples who live like you wish to live, who think like you think” and I respond “soon…but not yet…I’ll be there soon…please wait for me…please…wait for me…”

To touch the sand with my feet and to taste the olives picked by my own hands and to be able to respond when I hear Salam Aliekum or Shalom Aleichem or if I know no words to respond with then I will respond with the universal feeling of love…as snow continues to fall outside of my window and I keep reading…and working myself to the bone so I can grow wings of steel…wait for me…please wait.

~ Matthew L. Schwartz, January 31, 2006